I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
