so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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