Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
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I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
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Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize