watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
