I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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