Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
