I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
