I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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