I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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