We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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