she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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