The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
