Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
