she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
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Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
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all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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