She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.