I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
