sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
look no pants
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
