I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
