If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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