my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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