Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
