I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
