I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i will never coherently bang her
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
