Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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