Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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