i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
