Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
don't judge my taste in strippers
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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