Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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