All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
