If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
