I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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