There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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