I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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