my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
