You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.