My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
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And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
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He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.