Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
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