he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.