So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
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she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
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Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid