My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
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He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
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Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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