you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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