I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
