When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
