I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
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