I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
