Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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