woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Life is so much better after having sex.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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