Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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