Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
