that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
