when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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