I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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