I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
