I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
