If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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