Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize
