This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
