I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
