dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
