Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
