I haven't been this sober since birth.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
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Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
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I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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